


les yeux revolver

by supernaturalsun



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, alternative résumé of this fic : sammy uses french to flirt with ej and it fucks him up, ej's brain is stupid, his friends are here to help, nate and ej broke up a year prior the beginning but they dated for years, takes place in the 19-20 season but no corona
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25023475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturalsun/pseuds/supernaturalsun
Summary: The thing is, it shouldn’t happen.The problem is, it still does.
Relationships: Erik Johnson/Nathan Mackinnon (past), Samuel Girard/Erik Johnson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75
Collections: Pucking Rare - A Hockey Rarepair Challenge





	les yeux revolver

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [somehowunbroken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/somehowunbroken/pseuds/somehowunbroken) in the [PuckingRare2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/PuckingRare2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> nothing about sammy is ej's normal type, which doesn't do anything to explain why sammy's all ej thinks about anymore.
> 
> Hello, this is officially my first ever participation in a writing challenge. I don't always do well with deadline and I very rarely answer to prompt from other people but here we are.
> 
> I'm kind of scared that I didn't do this prompt justice but I took it and mixed it with some other stuff and kind of built a whole world and plans for other fics around it ??? Yeah.
> 
> There are six sentences in french in this. EJ doesn't understand them so like, it's not a big deal if you don't, but you can find the translations in the notes at the end (Do I know how to flirt in my own language ? Absolutly not, please sue me).
> 
> Title chosen after I saw lyrics from a Nekfeu song ( _O.D_ ) but it also ends up being a reference to the Marc Lavoine song _Elle a les yeux revolver_.
> 
> I also did an aesthetic post which can be found [here](https://legendsnart.tumblr.com/post/622783339856855040/aesthetics-for-my-fics-les-yeux-revolver-the).

The thing is, it shouldn’t happen.

The problem is, it still does. 

~~~

EJ notices.

EJ notices because he’s been a gay NHL player for 12 years now and he’s learned the hard way how to watch for the signs. 

There’s always a hot anger burning under EJ’s skin when he hears people saying sexuality is a choice. The number of things he wouldn’t have given away to be straight could be counted on the fingers of one hand.

But yeah Karen, let’s sign for the internalized homophobia, the external homophobia, the fear of finding out people you estimated were homophobes, the fear for your life, the fear to have your career destroyed, the unequal rights. All for the dick. What a great fucking exchange.

EJ likes boys and he has a heart so big it needs to unleash on someone from time to time and it has apparently chosen a new victim.

EJ fucking hates his life.

~~~

EJ has a type.

It’s something he figures out early on and he would like to find it stupid and be all _no you can’t just be into one specific brand of people you stupid_ except he knows who he’s been into since his teenage years and well, facts can’t lie.

And like, it’s not his fault he needs guys tall enough to meet his eyes easily and bulky enough to be able to lift him and manhandle him.

Also maybe he has a severe preference for blondes, which he can’t explain but is there anyway.

(Some might say he likes men who looks like him and no, it’s not about that. He doesn’t have any narcissistic problem or some shit, trust him on this.)

(For example, he couldn’t care less about people’s eyes color. Blue, green, brown. He doesn’t discriminate. See : no self-esteem issue.)

EJ doesn’t always hook up with people who looks that exact part, obviously. It’s not always about the physique unless he’s in it only for the sex and then, he might as well check some boxes. Still.

~~~

EJ has a type which is the exact opposite of Sam Girard but then the tiny canadian brunette comes into his life and throws everything EJ has been working with to the windows.

~~~

Or, well, the story goes more like this : Sam joins the team when EJ has been in a relationship for years and none of the bullshit attraction thing happens. EJ learns about Sam’s life, they become really good friends. All is good. 

The next summer, right before camp, EJ gets dumped and he spends the next year… Recovering (not wallowing or being a sad mess, fuck you Gabe). Sam is by his side, blowing his instagram with flirty comments and making him smile from his spot next to him on the locker room. All is good.

They make it until the second round of the playoffs and EJ has a nice summer and when he comes back for the new season, he’s the best he’s felt in a long while. Sam is still here, the same he’s always known. EJ, he begins to notice how pretty Sam is when he laughs. He starts blushing when Sam lands jokes with innuendos. He’s thinking of Sam even when his teammate is not around. All is _the opposite_ of good.

~~~

They don’t even spend that much time together. 

Like, sure, they play for the same team so there are practices and games and meals and tape watching and team events but that’s like, stuff EJ do with every other of his teammates.

They’re stallmates and d-partners so yeah, they get to talk while they dress up and they discuss their game together and more often than not they grab lunch together after morning practices. That’s more than what EJ does with say Gruby or Joons but they’re far away from the codependency level people like JT and Josty have.

They spend time together and they tag each other on stuff on instagram and they’re _friends_.

It shouldn’t have EJ thinking about Sam during the most random of moments, several times a day.

Except it does.

~~~

Sam Girard is the only thing Erik Johnson can think about and it’s driving him _nuts_.

~~~

EJ doesn’t have an appointed plane seatmate but he will often rotate between discussions with Gabe, poker game with some of the guys and alone time when that’s what he needs.

Sam usually seats with Josty where he tries to teach him some french despite Josty clearly not being the best student in the world.

Today though, they’re on their way to their canadian road trip and Sam is seated by his side, the two of them hunched over EJ’s iPad to go over tapes of the Edmonton’s attack. There’s a thing called _being able to stop the power of Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl_ and it’s not just a dream. EJ knows they can do it. 

He trust them to keep shots from being fired into the net but that doesn’t mean he can’t recognize talent and he lets out a low whistle at one of McDavid’s goal. When he raises his head to gauge Sam’s reaction, he finds Sam already watching him, his face close to EJ’s.

“Uh,” he says. And that’s when he realizes how close they actually were, the armrest separating their seats pulled up and their bodies being pressed together in a long line of heat from shoulder to hip. “That was a nasty move.”

Sam smiles, and EJ is trying to not look at him too much, letting his eyes move in the screen direction, but he could swear Sam has the faintest of blush on his cheeks.

“Yeah, totally,” Sam answers after a beat.

Then, he almost makes a show of leaning even harder against EJ, his head resting against EJ’s shoulder as he reaches for the iPad.

“Hm, sorry for that,” he adds, barely moving his head up to look at EJ’s face while still having his cheek against EJ’s arm. “ _J’ai été distrait par ton sourire, c’est très clairement le plus beau de la ligue,_ ” he adds before pressing the play button and EJ can hear the game resume on the screen

His attention is anywhere but on the Draisaitl line as he blinks at Sam, utterly confused by a sentence where the only word he understood 

was _league_ and he wasn’t even sure if that was a transparent word or not.

Maybe he should ask Josty or Belley. Except Josty probably still sucked and some instincts where telling EJ he didn’t want any of his teammates to be the one translating what Sam had just said to him.

Well, fuck french.

~~~

Sam’s voice is so sexy when he speaks french.

Maybe french has some rights after all.

(There’s some part of EJ’s brain which completely disengaged itself from his survival instinct who’s trying to push off his attraction. It’s a disaster in the works.)

~~~

“What’s up.”

EJ raises his eyes from his phone, takes a look at Gabe and at the new beer that has been deposited in front of him, and he _knows_.

He would start playing dumb and being all _nothing_ and _I don’t know what you’re talking about_ but EJ has known Gabe for eight years now, they’ve been through too much together for him to try anything stupid.

He could launch a staring contest and they would still be there five hours later. That’s how dedicated to his captain duties Gabriel Landeskog is. Or his friends duties. Or his godforsaken curiosity and his appeal for gossip. Whichever.

“Nothing,” EJ still tries, grabbing the beer and tipping some of the alcohol down his throat.

As expected, Gabe gives him his most unimpressed look and EJ groans, his thumbs rubbing against the edges of his glass to keep his hands busy.

“Barely anything,” EJ shrugs. “Sammy’s gotten into my head a little too much, I’ll get over it.”

Gabe frowns, putting those stupid lines between his brows that EJ would love to make fun of but he can’t. Not right now.

“What do you mean Sam’s gotten into your head ? You guys fought ? He chirped you with the wrong content and now you’re actually worried about something ? You need to tell me.”

EJ wants to cringe because he already hates the conversation. Gabe’s been his pillar for almost a decade. They’ve been through this. EJ knows what will follow and he wants no part in it.

“No, it’s not like that, stop worrying,” EJ starts. He doesn’t manage to be more specific right on the spot but Gabe gives him time, not pushing. “I just… I just can’t stop thinking about him. But it’s gonna be okay, I’m going to get it under control.”

Gabe’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead and EJ wants to crawl under the table. Dimming it probably highly unacceptable, he chooses to down huge gulps from his beer instead. When he puts his glass on the table, he catches Gabe looking at Nate. _Oh no._

“Okay no, it’s not like that. I’m not going down that road again. Look Gabe, he’s not even my type. There’s nothing about him that makes sense for my body to be attracted to him, it will fade,” EJ kind of frantically tries to reassure Gabe. He realizes how loud he just got when he’s done and sweep a quick glance at their surroundings to make sure no one his eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Erik, pause,” Gabe finally comments when he has his attention back on EJ. “Let’s be sure we’re focusing on the right problem here.”

It’s EJ’s turn to frown then. “I just told you. Sam got the darkest hair and he’s tiny and sure, he’s a professional hockey player so he packs some muscles but you know what I need. My brain or my dick’s just broken right now, it’s fucked up but I’ll work it out.”

EJ kind of think he already said that but the expression on Gabe’s face is telling him that he’s missing something here. Not good.

“So you’re telling me that your dick is broken. Tough, an okay thing to wallow about I guess,” he says, his tone so mocking EJ has to punch his arm. “This means you wouldn’t be having a meltdown if your new crush had been on say… Mikko or Colin ? This is all about your standards that you for once decided to go against ?”

The frustrated noise gets out of EJ’s throat before he has any power to stop it. Out of reflex, his eyes go out to Mikko and Colin drinking at the bar and nothing happens. Nothing happens because sure, they’re hot, EJ can recognize, but EJ has had more than a bunch of hot teammates during his years of hockey. He’s learnt how to deal with it.

The thing with Sam, well, it shouldn’t exist. That’s probably why his body doesn’t know how to deal and why the situation is getting out of control.

“Fuck you Gabe.”

And then he downs the rest of his beer before getting up to leave, doing his very best to not let his gaze linger on _any_ of his teammate as he makes his way outside.

~~~

The next morning, EJ wakes up with too many messages to deal with for an off day.

**from : Gabe the Babe**

_Listed below a list of things you’re going to read (because you apparently don’t want to listen to me) and think about and then you’ll act accordingly :_

  * _Sam’s not Nate._


  * Stop sabotaging yourself.


  * The worst thing you could do would be to fuck your d-partner and to leave him hanging afterwards. We both know you won’t do that.


  * You already know how I feel about relationships within the team. Please ask again if you need to, I’ll be glad to have that conversation one more time.


  * Nate wasn’t your only Colorado Avalanche pass/card, yes you’re allowed to be into another one of your teammates.


  * (I’m still a little sad you’re not into me while I totally fit your hot blonde agenda, it hurts.)


  * Having a type is a bullshit concept, stop overthinking it already.


  * SAM IS NOT NATE.



_Please don’t forget about bbq at my place on sunday, you’re still on duty to help me set it up._

_I discussed this with Tyson and he says you’re being dumb._

_He also says hi and hope Landeskog the horse is doing okay._

He quickly types his answer before hopping on the shower to forget about it.

_Yes I’ll be there at 11 to help your lazy ass._

_Tys is dumb, his opinion doesn’t matter._

_Landeskog is doing amazing, you should come see him in the summer._

If he leaves out a big chunk of the message, that’s between his conscience and himself.

~~~

EJ should have seen it coming except he didn’t and when it happens, he’s left screaming into his pillow after his orgasm is done washing over him.

Thinking about Sam while he was jerking off was not supposed to happen except it did and that’s the picture EJ’s brain decided to hold onto until he finished himself.

God, he was so _fucked_.

~~~

The lights of the nightclub are shedding red and blue hues of lights when EJ makes his way to the dancefloor, finishing his drink in one long sip before dropping it over a table to free his hands.

He’s been in Denver for nine years now, he knows the places he can safely go too. He’s never 100% restless because there’s always the chance he gets recognized and outed. EJ never forgets about it, he just counts on his discretion, the loyalty and understanding of the community and the fact that he always wear his teeth, which probably makes 75% percent of the people who thought they recognized him doubt themselves.

EJ had two beers during dinner and he grabs a cocktail which he takes his time to drink when he arrives on site. Then, he makes his way to the dancefloor and it doesn’t take long before he’s hooking up with a stranger in a dark corner of the room.

His stranger doesn’t have a name (yet) but he’s barely an inch shorter than EJ, hair bleached blond, strong shoulders outlined by the tightness of his shirt. He’s perfect for what EJ needs tonight.

They trade kisses, off to a languid start and then more feverish as EJ can feel curious hands wandering all over his back, squeezing his ass to bring them impossibly closer. EJ groans when he feels his stranger’s interest hard against his thigh and he places one hand on his curls, yanking the guy’s head to the side to kiss and bite along his neck.

EJ — he should feel good. He _does_ feel good, for a while. His brain the good kind of fuzzy, his attention all on pleasure and the hot outcome profiling itself. And then, stranger asks “Should I buy a drink or do we move this somewhere else ?”, the answer he wants obvious in the way his voice goes even deeper towards the end as he briefly nips on EJ’s learlobe. EJ’s about to take the lead to drag them somewhere more private when his brain decides to do what he’s been doing best lately.

EJ’s going to need a fucking chaman or something to erase Sam from his head. 

He tries to kiss the guy again, makes his brain focus back on what he _wants_ but it’s a lost cause and even bleached hair guy seems to eventually catch on his mood.

It’s hard to be mad when he gets ditched because well, EJ understands. It still fucking sucks when he goes home alone, orgasm-free and even more frustrated than before.

~~~

“ _Je pourrais passer des heures à te regarder dans les yeux tellement ils sont beaux_.”

“ _Tu devrais pas avoir le droit d’être aussi mignon quand t’as bu._ ”

“ _Honnêtement t’arrives même à me faire m’intéresser aux courses de chevaux, on devrait déjà emménager ensemble._ ”

“ _Quelqu’un devrait te dire que ce genre de t-shirts est interdit quand on a un corps comme le tien mais je ne serais définitivement pas cette personne._ ”

“ _Mon chummmmmm._ ”

~~~

French is breaking EJ. Piece by piece.

Every time Sam utters those impossible words, EJ frowns or jostles Sam to signify him he’s being annoying. He’d try to pretend he’s understanding but he knows better than that.

Sam speaks to him, sometimes depositing the words directly in EJ’s ear if they’re in a setting allowing it. 

EJ listens. He tries to commit the words to memory to google translate them later but it never gives him much.

And yeah, he’d totally bang that blonde sitting at the bar ten feet away from him. He would also very much enjoy to push Sam against the nearest hard surface and kiss him senseless.

So, there’s that.

~~~

The Christmas break comes and goes. And so does the month of january. They lose 3-6 to Philly after the all star break but then they manage to go on a 5 games victory streak.

They have a good standing and they’re well placed on the race to a playoff spot. Things are good for the most part and that’s probably what prompts everyone’s high spirits when they have a night out after a game.

EJ lets himself get loose, has a few rounds of beer with the guys and gets roped by the rookies to do shots with them (shots he had to buy because they were too young, what the fuck even).

EJ gets dragged to the dancefloor, beats of the music pulsing through his core, and before he understands what’s happening, he has Sam’s back plastered to his front and EJ’s full senses finds out that the most sensible thing to do is to lace his arm across Sam’s waist.

They sway together for a couple of songs, hips figuring out a rhythm that has EJ closing his eyes to enjoy the moment. When he opens them back Sam has turned around and put steady hands against EJ’s ribs. There’s a challenge in Sam’s eyes and EJ, he’s hot and he’s drunk and he _wants_. He brings Sam’s body impossibly closer, flush against him.

Then he’s able to feel Sam’s breath against his chin and that’s when his brain freezes and his breath actually catches in his throat when he realizes what’s happening.

EJ swallows against nothing and mumbles a weak excuse to detach Sam’s hands from his body and run away.

While he’s flashing water all over his face in the bathroom, doing his best not to panic, EJ tries to blink away what was about to happen.

If he’s going to get rid of his attraction for Sam, almost kissing him is not going to do it.

~~~

The next time they see each other, Sam doesn’t say anything and EJ does his best at pretending nothing special happened.

He also starts doing something he should have initiated way earlier : he distanciates himself from Sam.

He doesn’t ignore him or stop talking to him altogether — they’re still d-partners and EJ promised Gabe he wouldn’t act stupidly.

All in all, if he’s colder than usual to Sam and if he outright pretends he doesn’t care when Sam tries to throw some sweet french words in his direction, it’s for the greater good.

~~~

Sam eventually catches up because he stops with the french nonsense, the chirps on his instagram posts disappear and Sam barely looks at him when they get dressed next to each other.

It’s good.

Gabe throws a lot a frowns and disapproving looks in his direction and Cale ( _Cale_ , of all people) gives him the stink eye more than once.

EJ knows better than them, it’s okay.

~~~

“You’re free right now ?”

EJ raises his head from where’s he’s untying his skates after their morning practice and when he faces Nate, he suppresses his incoming frown at the last second.

“Yes ?” EJ answers tentatively.

“Good, we’re eating together.”

And just like that Nate is turning around to go back to his stall and EJ finds himself buzzing with underlying stress as he keeps undressing himself before hitting the showers and pulling on a jean and a hoodie.

Nate is already waiting for him outside the locker room when he gets out and he follows him without a word while they make their way to Nate’s car and spend the whole ride in silence.

The restaurant they pull in front of is one EJ painfully knows about because it’s one of Nate’s favourites around the practice rink. The food is not bad, quite the contrary actually, but EJ will probably never be able to detach it from the memories they made there together.

Nate doesn’t seem to be phased by any of it and he leads the way while a waitress take them to a quiet table in the back. She’s quick to take their orders after a couple of minutes and EJ wonders if they’re both gonna stay speechless until they go home but once the young woman is gone, Nate starts discussing their next game against the Hawks and that, EJ can do.

He doesn’t have to share a line with Nate but they’re often on the ice together and he does serve Nate some assists from time to time. They’re the two A’s of this team, they’re both part of the core, it’s not exactly like they can afford to not talk to each other.

Nate had the nice incentive of breaking up with him during the summer, right before the start of training camp in 2018. EJ had a few weeks to adjust before he had to interact with Nate on a daily basis and things had been… Well, pretty awkward for awhile but they’d managed to get to a place that was good enough for the team and general gathering that necessitated both of their presence.

Discussions while other people they knew were around ? They could do. Lunches together ? Clearly no longer in their routine.

“So, I… I can’t believe I’m the one who had to have this conversation with you but I figure it also makes sense. Given, well, everything,” Nate eventually says when they’ve been served their dessert.

EJ freezes, his cheese cake covered fork hanging in mid air.

“Please enlighten me on this big problem. You’re apparently the only one who can solve it so you had to take it upon yourself to suffer through an entire meal with me to fix it,” he bites, his dessert forgotten.

Nate sighs.

Of course Nate sighs.

“Stop,” Nate answers, his voice calm as ever. EJ wants to protest but there’s a look on Nate’s face that tells him he can’t do that. Nate reminds him so much of Gabe in those situations. EJ has always known that Nate is going to be an amazing captain some day. 

“Look, I’m not gonna pretend I know exactly what’s going on inside your head but I’ve dated you for years, known you for even longer. I know you, Erik, and I know what you’re doing and it fucking sucks.”

His chest feels just like if he had a huge weight squeezing around his heart and EJ has to focus on his respiration to keep himself calm. He’s not going to have a panic attack or start crying in the middle of a restaurant. Thank you very much.

EJ’s never considered himself an open book. In the beginning, he’d had two strategies to blend him and have people off his back concerning his relationships or lack thereof. Coming to Saint Louis, he’d been stressed but full of energy, the need to blend in so huge it made him act like someone he wasn’t and he had ended up fucking up.

Colorado had been his second chance. A place where people didn’t a lot about him and where he could find a version of himself that would work better. He was still scared and confused about a lot of stuff but he started off the quiet way. Not in the tall, dark and handsome type but some kind of tall, awkward, EJ type.

Then Gabe and Factor and Tyson and _life_ came by and he found himself in an altogether better place, feeling better with himself, taking a leading role within the team.

 _You’re fucking hard to read_ , was a sentence he’d had the occasion to hear in more than one occasion. Which, yeah. Good, that was what EJ wanted, he wasn’t going to change that no matter how many people he started letting in. And then Nathan Mackinnon happened.

Nate had been surprising and he’d turned EJ’s whole life upside down and then upside again. EJ doesn’t have time to dissect his relationship with Nate (he’s already spent too much time doing it during the previous season, he is good now, he swears) but the bottom line is just — Nate is still the person who can read him the best.

Add that to the fact that he’s _never_ been afraid to call EJ’s bullshit and that’s how EJ ended in this situation, right now.

“Look— I’m just saying that because you deserve to be happy Erik, okay ? I’m not giving you my approval or my permission or anything because that’s stupid and not my place but whatever’s holding you back, let got of it. Sam’s a good guy and…” Nate pauses, he’s got his serious face on but EJ sees the glimpse of a fond smile starting to appear on his lips. “You looked like you were happy when you two were together. I don’t know about how he feels but you should give yourselves a chance.” 

EJ swallows. For how much he would very much like to say that he doesn’t care about Nate’s opinion because it’s fucking ridiculous given their shared past, EJ sure feels _something_ at Nate’s words.

Fuck this shit.

“I can’t mess up again,” EJ succeeds to admit. Nate’s reaction to that is… Complicated. 

“Erik—“ he starts, then seems to mull over his words a little. “I know how complicated it was for you to accept that you could have this, hockey and a relationship, but I wasn’t your only shot at it. People fall in love again. Sam is not me. You’re not the same person you were two years ago. Our break-up wasn’t only on you. You can try again, that’s how life works.”

This time, EJ is not that surprised because Nate basically told him what Gabe said that night by text and had repeated a few times since then. 

He gets what they want him to understand. He just doesn’t want to agree.

“Is it only a Sam thing ? Because if it’s an everyone thing…” Pause, and the frown dedicated to weird realizations. “Is it because you still have feelings I— We probably should, like—“

EJ leans forward to flick Nate on the forehead, putting him out of his misery. He’s been so calm and collected since the beginning of their lunch, it’s almost funny to see him get flustered.

“Easy Mac Mac, that boat has sailed and I’m all good, no residual feelings or whatever lying around, don’t worry,” he grins.

Nate pouts, kicking EJ’s shin with his foot under the table.

“So it’s a Sam problem,” Nate says now that he’s regained some confidence. “Because he’s on the team ?” EJ does look at his plate at that. 

In all honesty, he’s not sure what makes him utter the next words which come out of his mouth.

“Look Nate, this is not Grey’s Anatomy or like, some huge tv show where everyone working together bangs each other left and right. I just — It’s not going to happen.”

EJ has one second to catch the blush on Nate’s face before it’s masked by his laugh. 

“Okay there actually are quite a few valid reasons why you could be afraid of getting in a relationship with any of the guys and this cannot be of them, I’m sorry.” 

And EJ, he can’t help his frown and his need to wonder if Nate is saying that because _he_ is actually dating another one of their teammates. Not that he is jealous or anything _but_.

“Just— stop overthinking everything. I understand you want to be smart and cautious about this but sometimes it’s also good to take a risk, you know ? Could be worth it.”

~~~

The following days, EJ can’t stop thinking about their discussion, Nate’s word resonating in his head and banging around his skull every time he looks at Sam or start thinking about him.

It’s — _annoying_ , to say the least.

It’s annoying because deep down, EJ knows that Nate hit some truths and yeah, EJ is miserable and frustrated and doing everything he can to stay furthermore in that situation. Right.

Gabe had sent a _saw your big sad puppy eyes during the meeting today, not sure you took your eyes off him for more than a minute, it was really sad to watch, no one told me we this was my rookie year all over again_ text yesterday and it had taken a lot of EJ’s willpower not to smash his phone against the next wall.

_Stupid Gabe._

_Stupid Nate._

_Stupid friends who had seen him at his worst, helped him accept his sexuality, grown up at his side and always been there for him._

EJ — EJ needs to do something. If only to stop the complaints from Gabe and the new disapproving looks from Nate.

Also maybe to stop being miserable because he’s done enough of that in his life already.

~~~

Yeah.

Turns out things are often easier said than done.

EJ’s not sure about to go about this, not sure he can just grab Sam and flat out lay out his excuses and explain that he’s just a dumb adult with feelings he doesn’t know what to do with. Or a broken dick and a broken brain, whichever.

He tries to catch Sam’s eyes in the locker room when they get changed before their next game. Doesn’t manage to do it. He goes for it again after when they’re getting out of their gear after the game and he does succeed in throwing a tentative smile in Sam’s direction. He doesn’t exactly get one back. He keeps trying the following days.

“Do you want to watch some tape ?” he asks Sam when they’re on they’re boarding the plane to Pittsburgh and the seat next to Sam is still empty. EJ gets a nod and an hour pressed against Sam’s side. He’s pretty sure he gets a genuine laugh from the other man after one of his jokes. It warms EJ up more than he would like to admit.

When they exit the plane side by side, EJ catches Nate’s eyes and the calm nod he sends in his direction.

It should feel weird to feel good to have his behaviour towards his new crush be validated by his ex-boyfriend. Except it does.

It does because 1) Even though they broke up a year and a half ago, EJ still very much values Nate’s opinion and 2) His brain was very stupid to think his life would be better without Sam around.

So no matter how hard EJ wants to, they can’t go back to the way things were before in a snap of fingers but — baby steps. 

EJ is not the most patient person in the world but Sam probably deserves baby steps to get his trust back or something.

~~~

They pass the two weeks mark of EJ’s discussion with Nate and they’re at JFK, listening to Bednar’s speech while they wait to board, when EJ decides to take another step.

They’re all standing around and Sam is just two feet away in front of him, which is frankly distracting him from the instructions he’s supposed to be listening to. 

So EJ decides to do the best thing to make his brain shut up, he listens to his instinct and just takes a couple steps forward and wrap his right arm around Sam’s shoulders, the tip of his chin balanced on the top of Sam’s head.

He doesn’t pull Sam flush against his chest but Sam closes the distance on his own, eventually leaning his back against EJ, and it takes all of EJ’s willpower to not just close his eyes right there.

“I want to watch _La Môme,_ I’ll put the subtitles on for you, yeah ?” Sam asks when they have to detach themselves from each other because their plane is ready for them. EJ nods and they make their way to their seats together.

If he spends the movie focused on the head Sam laid on his shoulder, snuggled close to him, well, EJ is sorry for Edith Piath -who seems to have had a pretty awful life, what the fuck- but he just can’t help himself and the little stirring in his chest.

~~~

The flight to Philadelphia is a short one so they don’t get to watch the whole the movie. Sam softly offers “Watch the end with me later ?” when he’s pulling his tablet back in his backpack but EJ didn’t expect them to get back to it so soon. That’s why he’s quite surprised when he sees Sam on the stepdoor of his hotel bedroom an hour after they had dinner.

Sam has his tablet in his right hand that he raises up to show EJ when EJ’s brain stops working for a second. He eventually nods, moving aside to let Sam come in and close the door behind them. When he turns around, Sam is standing in the middle of the room, waiting for him or unsure where to go, EJ has no idea.

EJ takes the lead and goes back to his bed, sitting at the top with his legs straightened in front of him. Sam seems to hesitate and-- Well, EJ can’t say he doesn’t understand why this is awkward. He hates how big of a step sitting on the same bed seems to be now, when they used to do it all the time before. 

He tries to open his mouth once, twice, and nothing comes out. EJ starts playing with the hem of his shirt, an old nervous tic, and he knows the silent has already stretched out for too long to be comfortable. _Fuck_.

Sam ends up being the one to break the spell.

“Do you want to talk ?” he inquires. It sounds more like an offer he could refuse rather than a suggestion he strongly should agree with and EJ isn’t sure what to do with it.

“I— I feel like I should,” he answers. “You probably deserve some explaining.”

“Well, you’re a big boy Erik, I’m not gonna force you into anything you don’t want.”

Sam doesn’t sound hurt _exactly_ but it’s hard to miss the double entendre in his sentence and EJ winces. Gulping down his proud and anxiety, he arranges himself with his back properly against the headboard, feet crossed under his thighs.

“Come here,” he kind of questions while gesturing to the end of his bed with his head. Sam sits down three feet away from EJ, facing towards him.

“I— I’m sorry. I’m not really sure where to start,” EJ admits.

“Start with the beginning, when things apparently got a little complicated in that stupid head of yours.”

EJ can’t help the corner of his lips to turn in a small smile. Sam doesn’t sound mad, just… Paying close attention. It kind of makes EJ feels like a five years old who did a stupid thing.

“So I’m into you. I have been for… Well, at least a few months now, at least,” EJ takes his eyes from his own knees to Sam’s face. “You’re not surprised.”

Sam tilts his head. “Well, I mean, I kind of guessed it ? Like, you’re not _the_ most obvious person in the world, don’t worry, but we did used to spend a lot of time together and uh, I have eyes ? So obviously a part of me _wanted_ you to be into me and to like me but I didn’t think I was reading too much into your behaviour and blinding myself ? Which made it all the more confusing when you know what happened.”

EJ can’t help the warm wave of happiness he feels when he hears Sam telling him that he wanted EJ to like him. The thing is, it probably should have been obvious to him with how much Sam jokingly flirted with him and with how onboard with their dancing he had been, but EJ has never really stopped to consider Sam’s feelings.

This whole internal crisis has all along only been about EJ experiencing desire and probably catching feelings along the way. He didn’t care about what Sam had been thinking because for months, his only objective had been to suppress any unwanted thought from his own head, end of the discussion. 

Erik Johnson, king of selfishness. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I panicked but I shouldn’t have ignored you and cut you of like that, that was mean and you didn’t deserve it.”

Apologizing for a mistake obviously never feels good but EJ still has a hard time keeping his eyes on Sam, letting them drift to the covers of the bed they’re both installed on. Sam comes back in his field of vision at the same time he feels the mattress dip because his teammate decided to come sit closer to him.

“Hey,” Sam says quietly, one hand coming to rest on EJ’s left knee. “It’s okay, I forgive you. I was really mad at you at the beginning. Not because I thought you had mislead me but because it felt like _I_ had forced you into something and then I had to be the one to suffer because you apparently couldn’t bear to be around me. It wasn’t a nice feeling so I got mad and sad and then I decided to let you do your thing. You decided to come back to me, I made you struggle a little probably more out of pride than to really protect myself and now here we are. We discussed things like grown-ups. I will agree to never try to kiss you again, we’ll move on and case is closed.”

EJ manages to keep the hurt sound in his throat but he does have to take a big breath to keep his calm and he doesn’t resist the urge to lay one of his hand above the one Sam laid on his skin.

“Unless you did want me to kiss you back then and we can talk about why you freaked out,” Sam continues when EJ stays silent.

Fuck.

EJ remembers particularly well how _not_ so smart and rational he was back when he was 21. Gabe would gladly attest to that.

EJ could start with how much not his usual type Sam is and how it threw him of and everything -because, well, that’s kind of the beginning of the story- but his discussion with his friends must have paid off because he can recognize that it wasn’t the main part of his problem. That would be like, a deflection of the real issue, EJ thinks.

“Okay. So, you know how I’ve been with Nate for years and then he broke up with me before camp two years ago and then it took me like a year to get back on my feet ?” 

It’s not really a question because Sam knew about his relationship with Nate back when they were together and he was there when EJ was being pathetic and Sam would do everything he could to distract him and put a smile on his face. 

Sam nods anyway.

“Well, I’m not sure I can explain the full extent of it in one setting, especially tonight, but back then, it took me a really long time to accept that I could be in a relationship with Nate. I figured out I was gay when I was a teenager and then I made my way to the NHL and I thought I would never had a chance at a real relationship until I retired. Imagining myself with another player, even more a teammate, that was just too hard to compute.” He takes another deep breath at that and Sam squeezing his hand in support does help to go on. “But well, obviously it eventually happened and life happened and when things with Nate ended, I think I thought that I had blown up my one chance at it.”

Sam frowns and EJ wants to tell him _please don’t, I already know I’m stupid_ but he can’t really do that so he continues to make his case. “Yeah, I know, that’s weird. Gabe tried to tell me, Tyson supported him. Nate bullied me into trying to understand that I was wrong. Don’t worry, everyone gave me shit for thinking that.”

EJ catches Sam’s brows rising up his forehead when he mentions Nate’s role in all that, it makes him smile again, a little.

“And I’m sorry if I’m throwing out big words like relationship and shit, because that might not have been what you were thinking about and like, I swear I’m gonna get a grip on them. At the beginning I thought it was just physical attraction but the idea of just fucking you with no strings attached felt wrong. They would have all destroyed me and they would have been right. You deserve better.”

Sam seems quite thoughtful at that, like he needs moment to process the information EJ just gave him, and it stresses EJ the fuck out. Sam’s hand is reassuring but his heart is still being too active, his stomach a mess pulled in knots.

“So basically, you thought I was hot but tried to get rid of your attraction for me. While it didn’t work, you caught feelings, you tried to distance yourself from me so they would disappear but it didn’t work. Then because you couldn’t listen to your best friend, your ex had to intervene and that’s when you realized that you couldn’t live without me because you loved me too much ?”

 _Wait a minute._ A deep pink flush rises on EJ’s cheek when the L word gets casually thrown around.

“I mean, I wouldn’t phrased the last part exactly like that but— I mean, yeah, I guess,” he shrugs. 

He catches Sam’s laugh before Sam free fingers moves forward to flick him on the forehead. “God, I can’t believe that much stuff were happening in there. And a no point you figured that you could maybe, I don’t know, ask for my opinion ? Discuss this with me ?” 

His tone seems to swing between sarcasm and genuine curiosity so EJ is not sure how he’s supposed to interpret the question. He decides to continue the serious road.

“Like I said, I thought this couldn’t be a good idea so I had to will everything away. I never— I never considered that anything could happen because I was too wrapped up in this trying to shut everything down mode. Can’t say I’m proud of myself for how I handled things but that’s Erik Johnson to you, I guess.” 

“And is there any chance that you started considering something, when your mindset changed recently ?” Sam asks, hesitant and hopeful, EJ thinks. His forefinger is drawing shapeless forms on his knee.

The thing is, EJ kind of did. A little after his discussion with Gabe, back when he still couldn’t phantom anything happening. A lot more after his lunch with Nate, when he opened his eyes progressively. 

And EJ, when he’s not denying himself any options, he _knows_ what he wants.

His smile is tentative when he grabs Sam’s fingers to run his thumb over the - while he answers. “I mean, you’ve just seen first hand how I’m not the best catch and how my communication skills suck but apparently you decided to forgive me and I want to be better, so.”

The grin Sam gives him back is blinding and EJ feels Sam other hand at his side when Sam moves forward to kiss EJ’s forehead, keeping their head close together. “Good.”

“I don’t want to rush things.”

“Okay. We’ll talk and find a good rhythm. That’s in our cords,” Sam answers like it’s the most obvious and easy thing in the world.

“Okay,” EJ tries to sound confident when he agrees.

They’re so close it reminds EJ of that night he fucked up except everything is different now. It’s not that he’s no longer afraid but he feels definitively more ready to take risks who could be worth it.

EJ waits a few beats and then —

“I kind of still want to kiss right now.”

It gets a laugh out of Sam and they’re both smiling against each other lips when they lean in to meet in the middle.

~~~

They don’t go past more than a heavy session of make out but Marion Cotillard and her oscar worthy movie gets forgotten in favor of EJ listening to Sam catching him up on his last weeks. He cuddles close to EJ and tells him all about Tornade latest mischiefs and the whereabouts of his siblings while EJ drags lazy nails up and down his back.

~~~

“ _Je suis content qu’on ait réussi à parler et ton petit cerveau hyperactif sait pas à qui il a à faire si il pense pouvoir me battre_ ,” Sam declares with a very assured voice the next morning.

“Yeah,” EJ nods, bringing his omelet covered fork to his mouth.

They’re having breakfast in the hotel restaurant and his whole team can probably see him throwing heart eyes at Sam but EJ couldn’t care less. He knows he’ll get happy congratulations from his friends but this is about him. Sam. The two of them and that big step EJ managed to take to reach him yesterday.

“Dang, you love me that much, the honeymoon phase of this relationship is going to be glorious,” Sam says easily. Then he pauses, looks at EJ who hasn’t even reacted yet, and realizes what he just said. “I mean, you _care_ about me and my soft ego enough to indulge me and—”

EJ puts a calming hand on Sam’s thigh.

“I _do_ care,” he says. It’s hard to not lean in to kiss the huge grin which appears on Sam’s features. “This is not to be used as a free pass to make me agree to dumb shit though.”

“I would never,” Sam fake swears.

“Of course you wouldn’t. You love me too much to dare try.”

Sam flicks him on the shoulder and EJ squeezes his thigh once before going back to his breakfast. He knows he can trust Sam to tell him when he’s being stupid about his feelings but he’ll have to take french lessons on the side at some point. He’s not that dumb.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

>  _J’ai été distrait par ton sourire, c’est très clairement le plus beau de la ligue_ = I was distracted by your smile, it’s very clearly the most beautiful in the league
> 
>  _Je pourrais passer des heures à te regarder dans les yeux tellement ils sont beaux_ = I could spend hours looking into yours eyes for how beautiful they are
> 
>  _“Tu devrais pas avoir le droit d’être aussi mignon quand t’as bu_ = You shouldn’t have the right to be so cute when you’re drunk (or like, when you’ve drank if you want to be literal) 
> 
> _Honnêtement t’arrives même à me faire m’intéresser aux courses de chevaux, on devrait déjà emménager ensemble_ = Honestly you even manage to make me interested in horse races, we should already move in together
> 
>  _Quelqu’un devrait te dire que ce genre de t-shirts est interdit quand on a un corps comme le tien mais je ne serais définitivement pas cette personne_ = Somebody should tell you than these kind of shirts should be forbidden when one’s have a body like yours, I definitely won’t be that person
> 
>  _Je suis content qu’on ait réussi à parler et ton petit cerveau hyperactif sait pas à qui il a à faire si il pense pouvoir me battre_ = I’m glad that we got to talk and your little hyperactive brain doesn’t who he’s facing if he thinks he could beat me
> 
> __________________
> 
> So while I was writing this, I figured I wanted to make series out of this world. I'm very interesting in telling EJ and Nate's story. Also I'd like to explore a new relationship for Nate. I don't know how long it will take for me to write more in this verse, but I'm going to try.
> 
> come find me @domkubaliks on tumblr :)


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